I'm the kind of person that lives on reassurances. You know that right? Reassurances that aren't so much needed, per se, as required by me, just to get through something. I know what you're thinking - yes, I should have gotten over my childish insecurities, I should have understood that there won't be people around me all the time. But then, you're not just 'people' are you? You're more than that to me, you know. Honest.
Or maybe you're not, and it's just my wishful thinking. Maybe I idealize people to such an extent that they feel like they mean much more to me than they really do. But I guess that's just the way I am, the way I work. It's different for different people, and I expected you to understand I think. But it's cool if you didn't: I'm not in your syllabus booklet, it won't kill you if you don't know me from head to toe.
I guess after a while, the little things become too much to live for. You don't find them anywhere, and if you look too hard... well, what do you expect? But then again, part of it is your fault too, because if you hadn't been so obtrusively generous with your little gestures, I'd never have started expecting. And you're just as much wrong as I am. You should've issued a sign of some sort(Warning: Little gestures oncoming); I'd have handled myself just fine then. In our friendship, we were equal; as are we in our faults in its regard.
What it also could've been due to is lack of communication. But come on, we both know we're better than that. We all make mistakes, and we all move on. It's just that, right now, I'm kind of in a dark place. And I could really use you, your deep insights, your jokes (which were often more sad than funny), your unabashed claims of genius, and your pure and honest narcissism, of course. But most of all I could use your guiding light - it's helped me through a lot, you know? And that, I say, at the expense of sounding utterly and thoroughly cheesy - something you know I don't like.
These days when I see you, I have this hollowing, almost harrowing feeling inside my chest. I know that it too is transient, and will pass as time does. And I know it sounds extremely selfish of me to be needing you around me now, but may God kill me if I didn't want to be the same for you; it's just that you never wanted me around when you were down, and you were good enough alone. And I won't be petty enough to feel sad about that, because you're independent and it's awesome. But I can't help noticing how you've changed, how I've changed, and how the things between us have changed; and it's cool, I think, because you can't forego the inevitable, you can only delay it.
So where does that leave me? Still in need of your reassurances?
You could say that. But ultimately, I know, I'll learn to appreciate things the way they are, and the way they must remain. I'll learn to understand what I've been too stupid to understand till now. I'll learn who to depend on, and when to be independent. I'll learn how to realize, not idealize. And I'll learn to operate my own torch, so that you can finally use your guiding light for yourself.
Someday soon I think, I'm going to bombard you with one good ton of letters. But I'll do that when I'm in the mood to lose my way with words. Not now.
All that being said, I'd really like it if, every once in a while you'd just look back and smile.
Now don't tell me you didn't know this is where I was going. Because hey - you do mean a great deal to me. Wishful thinking, my ass.
Take care, you.
Keep them batteries charged, you never know when someone else might need them.
X-x-X
Do I need to include a Fiction tag or can I do away with the formalities? I'll choose the latter, thanks.
I was thinking of posting this in a series I'd thought up eons back, called Unsigned, but it needs a lot of work and I still have my goddamned exams to be done with. If it does kick into action, though, I'll just make a few changes to this one and post. ^_^
But, for whatever reason, I thought this up an hour back, typed it and I just had to post this.
One for the road, folks.
There's many more where that came from.
Cheers.
